Guest post from Rosie on certain rules of the road we have noticed while travelling here:
1. Fill up with explosive propane gas. Thoughtfully make your passengers get out while you do this, just in case the car blows up.
2. Crack the windscreen. This will show you’re an experienced driver.
3. Get rid of back seat-belt buckles.
4. Only wear front seat belts in police presence. If passenger doesn’t remove once police have passed, kindly do this for them.
5. Remove speedometer needle
Ok, you’re good to go.
On the road
1. Turn the music up so everyone knows you’re the boss.
2. How to overtake. 2 options.
– Do not change lanes to overtake. Instead, accelerate as fast and close to the car in front as possible. If they don’t move over, do not panic. They will change lanes at the last possible moment to let you pass.
– Use the incoming traffic lane to overtake. Again, don’t panic. Oncoming cars will do an emergency stop in order to avoid hitting you.
3. When you see a friend, you must race them. If your tyres do not squeal, you are disqualified.
4. If the road is too boring, take both hands off the wheel to check both your phones simultaneously. Make at least one phone call every 5 minutes.
5. Alternatively, if the road has varying surface levels, drive with 2 wheels high 2 wheels low like a pro.
6. Stop to exchange vast amounts of money with random friends every so often, just to keep your passengers guessing.
As a passenger
1. Do not shower or put on deodorant.
2. Man-spread to the best of your ability. Use arms as wells as legs.
3. Demand headphones of anyone listening to music. If you do not like their music, hijack their phone to make them play your own music, or switch the songs.
4. Thrust your phone into the hands of English passengers so they can exchange confused ‘hellos’ with all your friends.
5. If an English girl offers you a mint, look horrified and refuse all devilish food.
As you can see we have had some “interesting” experiences travelling by car and van in Central Asia. So for the next three days we will travelling overland in the old style – on horseback. It remains to be seen if this will be a more pleasurable form of transport.